Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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