The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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