Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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