peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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