I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
