im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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