Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
