She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
