he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
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i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
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Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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