if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
