I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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