OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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