I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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