somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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