My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
