Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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