I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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