I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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