She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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