he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
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Do I have a choice?
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Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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