Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Randomize
