A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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