i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
