bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
