How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
