Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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