I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
