bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
