What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Drake has all the answers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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