Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
