i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
