Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I have post one night stand depression
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
