If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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