the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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