the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
