He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
