My sheets look like a crime scene.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
