My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
