and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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