Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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