I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
