can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
