nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
