I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
