Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
