Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
