She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
me + whiskey = a bad person
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
