you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
