Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
