If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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