Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
