I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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