Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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