Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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