That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
