There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
