Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
