I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We talked him into tasing himself.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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