I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
