No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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