why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
