No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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