no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
