Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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